My dusty watercolour supplies & my dusty mind

I wanted to try my hands at watercolour last night, seeing as I haven’t touched it in ages, but I ran out of time/energy. Thankfully, today, I managed to make something and it even turned out great!

I will put a slideshow of a few pictures I took to show the progression of the painting at the end of this post.

It started as a nice sketch which left me feeling pleasantly surprised as I wasn’t sure I knew how to draw at all anymore.
Then, when I started my first layer of paint it was fine… Until I used a purple instead of a brown and I thought I had ruined it. I tried real hard to remain patient and wait for the layer to dry before applying a new one.
Then with my last layer I had to add a flower to cover a little mistake that happened with the butterfly’s wing. That’s why it might look a bit off as I didn’t think of moving his paw accordingly. x)
I wasn’t sure of the end result but once I added some details with a fine liner it looked like an illustration straight from a children’s book.

I didn’t think I could make something that would look so nice because I am out of practice and focus but I did. And, right now, being able to make something good means so much to me as it is a reminder that nothing has been lost in the last storm.

Sometimes, my days off feel more like a prison than a relief from work. I am beyond happy that this is coming to an end (and in only a couple of days now!) but, while it lasts, the negative feelings and tiredness persist.

When you have struggled for so long and you finally see the end only a couple of steps away, it doesn’t always feel as good as you’d expect.
More often than not, those last couple of steps you have to take tend to stretch and stretch and stretch…. And you wonder where to find more strength to get through five more days, four more, three more..

I had to take some days off this week for the sake of my mental health. My mind (and my body) has been put through so much strain, forcing myself to keep going for the last few months that, even though I can clearly see the end now, I cannot find that adrenaline rush that boosts your legs to the finish line after a long run.

I’m still drained and faded

However, in spite of all of this situation still pinning me down, I have been able to do things again this month. I am slowly feeling like myself again and that is a wonderful feeling.

Things I thought were lost are popping up from the darkest corners of my mind and I realize that my fire is still here and surprisingly still burning, even through the cobwebs and layers of dust.

I am very much looking forward to Friday week where I can finally turn a page in my journal to start anew and see my reflection gradually coming back together when I look in the mirror.

Two digital paintings

Today wasn’t a very productive day. I think it was a bit of a sad day actually.

I tried to sing but I couldn’t which pretty much broke my mood ; it doesn’t take much anymore to be honest..
thought I would be able to do it after having watched some videos online that motivated me. But as soon as I tried, I felt defeated. It was like having boulders resting on my chest.
My breath support is all gone and everything is pretty much a disaster. I try to find solace in knowing that in two weeks I will have some freedom back. But it doesn’t always help.

As much as I couldn’t sing, I really wanted to share some music with everyone so I dug up a recording of a song I wrote last year which didn’t sound too bad. The idea was to put it up on YouTube but since it was only a recording, I had to make it into a video for it to work : so I painted my first piece of art of the day:

I added it as a background and put up the video on my channel (which you can watch here if you missed it).

Of course, this was nothing like actually singing something and uploading it but it was still satisfying. And, besides, painting a picture did make me feel better!

And so then, later on, after I had reorganized my Soundcloud profile and had a little snack, I made a second one, which I just finished!

It’s of a fox (of course!). It is pretty colorful and dreamy. It made me think of that idea I have for a series of games which shall remain a secret for now…. πŸ˜‰

So, that’s all for today. I hope tomorrow goes a bit better and I can get some real work done.

Sometimes days off don’t feel like days off at all. I can’t wait for this to be over and for me to get my normal life back .

A Different Ending, song draft

I wrote this song last year and recorded this after what I recall was a great relief from finally finishing it after some very long hours of writing. It isn’t my best performance ; in fact, I remember having performed it twice then at open mic nights and it was quite amazing.

This song is about scars that will never fade and wounds that cannot heal. It’s about the grief and loss from the past and all that’s to come. It’s about heartbreak and despair.

When I was barely 17 I lost a very dear friend of mine and on the same year I lost another one. There could be loads of words spent on these tragedies but it’s a story for another day.
After that, I went through more separation and heartbreaks although they were of a much less tragic nature ; ha ha.
But I won’t bore you with my words and just let you enjoy the song πŸ™‚

I try to remember all the light we cannot see
And all the years go by and I gotta keep hoping for
A different ending, a happy tragedy

I feel myself fading with all the ones I left behind
And all the years roll by and I only keep losing more
It doesn’t get much easier, it only gets much worse

I tried to keep my head above my own deep grave
You left with all I’ve had my hope, my love, my only light
I try but I don’t know if I can anymore

Oh, why did you have to go and take with you my heart?

It never got any easier, I’m not sure if I’m breathing at all

Looking forward to the end of this chapter I’m stuck in (for another two weeks only now! yay) so I can have more time for my music, my art and myself again.

A four-day weekend

I took two days off, last Friday and this Monday, in order to treat myself to a much needed loooooong weekend. However, things didn’t go according to plan : what was supposed to be four days turned out to be only one single flutter of my lashes. 😦

Time, what a trickster..

I had a lot of fun and I felt amazing. Two things I have been quite a stranger to lately. And it was something else!!

I sang a lot more than I have in the past three months combined together! Posted two videos on YouTube and loads more on Instagram.

I also made a huge amount of progress on a little game application I am currently working on. It’s a simple one (well, I’m trying *real hard* to make it simple and it is harder than it sounds because I keep getting too many ideas!).
I have a bigger project that I had started back in October after my holidays and eventually got really frustrated with as I saw my energy and time run low again with work. So, I made the decision to work on this one as a challenge and see how quickly I can finish it, despite not having time for myself at all.

I also spent a lot of quality time with Billy which is rarer than you’d think. I thought that living together would allow us to spend so much more time together but it’s not always true..

Anyways. My dinner is waiting for me so I have to wrap this up!

Here’s a video of me I put up on Instagram over the weekend singing my song This Isn’t Me which still describes how I feel to this day :

And just for the sake of comparison, you can listen to me singing this song back when my voice was still alive by clicking here. I used to have so much time then to work and my breath support was amazing back then. TTwTT

My voice could do things I had given up hope of ever achieving and I know now that it’s hardly like 25% of what I am actually made of. Even though it’s faded for the moment, I know I have in it me and am capable of much much more which makes me feel really good and hopeful for the future!

Things have been really hard this past year but I know that I will get everything back and I will start glowing and growing again. And, soon!

I only have to survive another three weeks and then onto a new chapter with more time which is titled ”The great unknown” for now ,as I still haven’t found that part-time job that will save my sanity, my art ; me.

I’m almost out of this cage and looking forward to flying into the next one which will have less bars therefore allowing me to visit my beloved clouds every now and then, on a part-time basis if you will πŸ˜‰ (I’m sorry my metaphors just are ridiculous at times I can’t help it).

What’s a couple of weeks compared to nine months? πŸ˜€

Things will fall into place, eventually. They always do.

You will be fine (?), original song

Another song with a question mark? Yes. Titles aren’t always a thing in my world! Ha ha.

I wrote this song as an answer to my another song (untitled, lol) that you can find here if you’re interested. While the first one was about continuously letting myself down and breaking my own heart in a thousand different ways, this part II says : it’s all gonna be okay in time even though you expect it (and maybe want it too) not to be, you’ve got this!

Things are hard right now. As they’ve been before. But I’ll be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually I will. As I have before. I got this 🌈

Your heart will heal in time
For the next big cut
To tear right through
Those precious scars of yours again
I know it’s what you always want
But you will be fine in time because

You’re already where you need to be
You’re already who you need..

Your heart will heal in time
For the next big cut
To tear right through
Those precious scars of yours again
I know it’s what you always want
But you will be fine in time because

You’ll be just fine
Well, maybe not today,
But you will be fine in time

You’re already where you need to be
You’re already who you need..

A happy song (?), original song

This isn’t the full song but it’s all I could sing tonight without messing up too much. My voice still isn’t back but reality is shifting and I know that some day soon I will get it back and I will get myself back as well.

This song often gets mistaken for an actual happy song when I play it at the open mics, but it’s not. I won’t get into the details of it, you should build your own idea of the song and let your idea of its truth be the only one that matters. β™₯

Death lives inside of me
Freely it roams
Inside my mind, in my bones

I am happy to know that I’ll never be alone

Time is waiting for me
Outside my door, in the wind

I am happy to know that I’ll never be alone

It’s here with me, it won’t let go of me
If it takes me, I’ll go, but just know that I love you so
If it takes me, I’ll go, I’ll, I’ll go

Misery’s a friend, I am not afraid
No, I am happy to know that I’ll never be alone

The Light will always find you

​The road gets dark and confusing at times. It is scary & cold; it is hot & painful. But it always leads you where you need to be in the end.

Sometimes things need to get bad before they get better. In order to make room for more light and for bigger things, life sometimes needs to dig a bigger space in your heart. It might hurt — it will — but it’s inevitable.

You will always win, if you are
brave enough to try.Β 

I have seen my life turn upside down in a blink of an eye — like when I found an apartment three days before I was scheduled to leave a toxic home — and I’ve also seen it change over painfully long months.
Things don’t always take time but when they do, it always feels like a lot. It’s always too much no matter how many times you go through the same loops. Especially when you’re in a situation you don’t want to be in at all and all your hopes are painted in different shades of “get me out of here”.

But the trick with life though is that things never stay the same. They’re not forever bad nor forever good. They come in waves and work in seasons, like the weather!
They might be bad, but that will change eventually, either for things going in a neutral place or for things taking a better turn. And so on.

What that means then is that you have to learn to keep pushing through the darkest clouds, even though it is ( more often than not ) painful and draining. You have to keep going because there is always an other side.

And no, you can’t just skip them struggles and wars; a little rain is necessary to keep your flowers blooming. Just trust in knowing that the sunshine always come out again.

The light always finds a way back in.

And, I know that at times it’s hard to believe.

What light could pierce through this thick veil of darkness? What sunshine would care enough to come dry the rain in my eyes?

But the truth is that the light never leaves. It’s always there; all around you.
In the people you love; in the people that care for you.
In the birds singing; in the wind blowing dust in your eyes; in the sky.

I have seen many different shades of darkness and I promise that there is always a light or at least a spark to be found and hold on to to get you through anything.
And when you can’t seem to find the light around you, look inside because it might turn out that you are the brightest thing around (and you might have been all along).

I am going through some struggles right now. And it surprises me everyday how I’ve managed to held my head up for so long and still did for another day, and still am doing it for another one, and another one…
But now that I know it’s coming to an end, it gives me a bit of a pre-relief relief! πŸ˜‰

I can see the finish line from where I stand and that surely helps you keep going! I know the date I will be out of this place and I can already feel the strength coming back to me.

Unfortunately, you can’t always know the exact date your struggle will end to make room for the next big thing. But you must keep in mind that things getting better is a promise, very much like death when you think about it.

You know, it’s part of the cycle of life and it’s bound to happen but you just can’t guess when exactly, even though in some instances you might be able to guess an approximate date.
That’s a bit of a grim example… or maybe it’s not?
Death in this context should more be seen as “rebirth”, as in you burning to the ground after all your struggling (and surviving! πŸ˜‰ ) and rising from the ashes of this past-you, standing up strong with your newfound power and with a rainbow over your head that you’ve earned with your hours/days/weeks/months/years of rain when the sunshine finally reaches you ❀

I know it’s tough. But I believe that there is nothing cruel about the Universe and it just leads you where you need to be and go through the paths that makes you the more “ready” for the brighter things coming.

So if you’re going through a rough patch as well, try and keep your head up, or sink a little bit under water if that’s what you need, but never let the light behind your eyes go out, keep your faith and your hope.

The Light will find you and you will be okay in time. ❀

The day the Lost Storm was found

It was in one of my darkest hours — and you know how many of these I have seen before — where I was full of hope yet on the edge of breaking, that you found me and you caught me mid-fall. You made me realize I wasn’t falling at all.

It was like I had woken up from a bad dream; all the fears had gone when I opened my eyes and saw you, a familiar stranger. And so I looked at you, I stared at & through you, only to realize that I knew you. I had always known you.

You were those echoes in the back of my heart,
Those murmurs saying “it’s gonna be alright”,
Whispering, ”you’re gonna be okay”,
Between each sigh of my heaving heart;
You were always there with me but you were lost too.

And then we woke up, and we found each other.

You found me and we’ve been walking through the storms together ever since.

Nothing makes sense but you give meaning to everything, even nothingness; you shine light on everything, even the darkness.

This has been the best year out of my 23 years even though it has been so hard and crushing. I am beyond thankful for having been graced with 365 eternities with the missing piece of my soul. I’m not alone anymore and my fire is burning beyond words and worlds.

This is only the beginning, I’m looking forward to so many more moments with you Billy ❀

Xmas paintings 2019

Who would’ve thought that I could manage to make anything at all in time for Christmas this year? Not me! With the way I have been feeling and the way things have been, it was the last thing I thought would happen. We’ll call it a Christmas miracle, haha.

Christmas has come and gone, once again, and now we’re looking forward to a brand new year that will hopefully bring all the light we have been longing for.

For me, it was another Christmas far away from my family. But unlike the last four years, this one was warm and I was surrounded by love as my family has gotten bigger.

I have tried my hardest in every year that I was away from home to make paintings as presents for my family as it is the only way for me to feel closer to them when I’m ten thousand kilometers away on a Christmas day.
But this year, as things have scattered me all over the place, I did not manage to make anything at all. I have missed the birthdays, have sent no letter at all and no Christmas art either.
Nevertheless, I called them and we managed to see each other thanks to the blessing that is the Internet! So it’s not all bad πŸ™‚

This year has taken a lot out of me so, this time, I only have three paintings to share. One that I made for my boyfriend, one for his dad (Kris Kringle) and one for my coworker (Secret Santa)! And just doing these took a lot of energy and fight out of me. But I’m glad I made them and that they turned out so well.

I really miss being able to make things whenever I want and to make gifts for people as it brings me so much joy. But I know things will change soon and life will turn around, I’ll be inside out again and art will flow normally and it will all be okay. I just can’t wait to create again and just breathe!

Here’s the first one anyways that I made for one of my co-worker for our team’s Secret Santa. It was a very last minute painting and was still stinking of varnish when I gave it to her the next morning.

It’s based on a tutorial I had watched on youtube months ago that showed how to quickly paint a Northern Lights forest. And it was easy to make but I still had to go through the frustration of a first ”failed” attempt and the despair of it never being good enough as I made it again.

I fell in love with this combination of colors to recreate an aurora and with the black trees at the front and the snow falling. I think it’s a winning combination! So easy too! It is a lovely reminder of the warmth and beauty of winter and so, naturally, it became a running theme in the other two paintings I made.

Next one is the one I made for Billy’s dad since I was his secret Santa for our first family Kris Kringle together. It is essentially the same thing as the one above only on a bigger canvas (A4) and with more frustration haha

And, onto the last one…

This one was for my boyfriend and is very special to me. I know that deer isn’t exactly the most exciting to look at but it is because it is based on a big deer structure that we saw on new year’s eve last year when we started dating. It’s a simple deer but it holds a lot of memories and precious feelings.

I first painted the aurora at the back then covered it in black so the dashes of colors coming from the deer’s legs would stand out, as they do in real life. I can still see all the light through the darkness, thanks to Billy.

This deer was so bright and it just stuck with us. I remember what a surprise it was to see it up there. We were just looking for a good spot to watch the fireworks and instead we found this treasure.
It was a really sweet coincidence as well, as I had fallen in love with the song Dasher that Gerard Way put out around the same time last year, featuring a bright deer as well.

Anyways. I think it sort of became a symbol of our love in a way. I figured it would be the best thing to paint for of our first year together and as a reminder that you need the darkness to better see the stars.

And so here it is, all of my hard work for Christmas.

Can you believe I made around six to seven paintings in two days last year for my presents? I don’t know how I ever managed but I know that this strength will be returning to me soon and I will be just fine, in time.

Welcome home, dear (????)!

I got myself a new guitar for Christmas and was lucky enough to receive it on the 24th, even though it was out of stock when I ordered it (Thomann have all my trust now)!

I still haven’t found her a name but I figured it would still be nice to write a little about her on my blog to get my good habits back.
It shouldn’t be as long as the post I wrote about Nostrum last year (which you can read here) but I’m sure I’ll have a hard time keeping my fingers on a leash, so, no promises.

Unlike Nostrum, it is an (electro) acoustic guitar and not an Epiphone either!
I always thought that my first acoustic guitar would be an Epiphone because it’s a brand that I have a lot of faith in.
But as I was browsing online at the start of the month (right after payday haha!) with Billy, we saw this one and we both agreed that I had to have it.

It’s a Luna guitar and this company has a very interesting story, which I suggest you read on their website by clicking here.
The founder of the company, Yvonne de Villiers, is a stained-glass artist which explains why they all have the most unique designs! I chose the one with a wolf howling at the moon for obvious reasons (also, t’was the only left handed one lol).

It just looks gorgeous! The way the different woods are combined together to tell a story on the guitar’s body is just genius. I won’t get into the details of what it is made of or anything as I’m no expert at all in that matter but if you’re curious you can find them here.

It also came with a hardshell case that has the prettiest design as well. Opening the box when I got home that night was just gasps after gasps. It’s a breathtaking instrument *0*

I haven’t plugged it in my amp yet but I’m sure the Fishman pre-amp will be interesting! πŸ˜‰

But so far, unplugged, it sounds amazing! It gives out such a warm full tone and although I will need some adjustment time to play it properly, I can already tell it has an amazing feel and playability.
As soon as I get my brain to understand the difference between an acoustic and an electric, I know it all be smooth and I will enjoy it even more!

However, I didn’t just buy it because I fell in love with it, I bought it because I thought it could be a great help in my playing music again.
It’s not always easy to jump on the electric guitar after long days at work and I think that having an acoustic one now will help me sing (a little bit at least) everyday. It’s just here and ready to go and I don’t have to worry about cables or pedals.

I know that change is coming and that soon my situation will change and I will have time for things again. But I believe that this new baby will help give me a bit more strength and hope in the mean time.

I hope to sing a bit more often now and maybe also go back to the open mics since I will be able to play my ”easier” songs that don’t really require my voice to get its full power back (although it’d be nice if it did, but all in good time). And I hope that I will get to finish many of the song drafts I have pending at the moment and also recording!!!

For now, not much is happening, but as soon as I get out of this place that is sucking the sanity and health out of me, it will all come crashing down and it’ll be loud!
I have so much music to share and so many stages to perform on and don’t get me started with my art..
There is so much just bottled up in me at the moment and I can’t wait to explode and paint my world with the colors that I will choose and not ones that are forced upon me.

Here’s to many more songs with my new best friend

P.S. it is also the designed that inspired my latest painting “Blue heart in the moonlight” which you can find here, although my painting features a fox (but can you tell?) instead of a wolf hehe